That's the power of sugar!
Eat, Pray, Glove.
Congratulations on making the prestigious cut to be on my newsletter distribution list! You’ve either bought a ticket to a festival show of mine and given me your email address, or you’ve signed up to a phishing scam that collects personal details, which I bought on incognito mode. Better in my hands than Temu’s, right?
I’m currently fresh off an award-considered show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. As The Age kindly pointed out, Microsoft Orifice is ultimately about melding my office life, internet life and gay life: in summary, about “the absurd wish for a more decompartmentalized life.” I feel so validated that a stranger took this moral away from something I stressed over, which began as a mere note in my phone, putting it into words I never quite could myself. Though, as my ex pointed out, “there’s no way you thought that’s what the show was about.”
Judge for yourself! It’s coming to Sydney Comedy Festival over the ANZAC Day long weekend which I think is a wholly fitting tribute to our fallen soldiers. They offered me the first week of May and I said: no. Yank it forward. This one’s for the troops.
Eat!
Consumables that don’t perish.
Disney+ finally dropped the remainder of season 18 of American Dad, which if you’ve never seen it is kind of like Family Guy if the writer’s room had a woman present. Not a feminist, but a woman nonetheless.
For the first time in my life I finished reading a book in under four months. Solaris was written by an insane Polish man in 1961 and details a group of scientists investigating extra-terrestrial life on a planet where the ocean is sentient. Yes: the OCEAN is SENTIENT. It’s either a computer or a gelatinous organism, nobody knows. New fear unlocked!
Pray!
Wishful thinking with no follow-through. It’s called manifesting!
Even though I grew up in a beachside town I never learned to swim properly. The threat of drowning is an ever-looming phobia and the wave pool in Highett, VIC has a lot to answer for. Fun fact: if enough water enters your mouth, nose and ears at the same time, a teenager in yellow lifeguard gear will yell “stop splashing” at you! Thanks for the gift, Declan!
Even when snorkling I can’t seem to go deeper than two feet in the water. This is from 2013 but I’d be the same now.
This summer I’ve been frequenting my local pool, an establishment I simply have no business visiting. I pay my $7 and in exchange the employees get front row seats to the performance of a lifetime: I play a man (me) who knows his way around the pool. I walk (not run) around the seating like I don’t care what time it is. I bite my tongue when my nards hit the cool waters for the first time, like a seasoned pro. I make enough splashing as I complete a 2m stroke then pull a serious, squinting Zoolander face so anybody looking believes I meant to stop when I did only because the sun got bright. No other reason.
I long to be someone who can keep their head underwater for more than 0.5 seconds, someone who can open their eyes underwater, someone who can exhale-but-not-inhale enough to touch the bottom of the pool. Someone who has the motor skills of an average class of Grade 4s.
Glove!
A personal reality from a real person.
Stoner? I hardly know her! After some experimentation in my very late 20s I’ve realized I’m a guy who prefers the non-soberness that alternatives to alcohol can provide. For fear of giving too much away, let’s just say in 2024 I’ve learned to stop worrying and love the… uh, sugar high.
Did you know you can just have sugar any night you want? You can buy a sugar vape and just suck on it on the balcony like a Nerds rope? You can take a sugar edible and get a massage at a fancy parlour in Northcote and nobody can stop you? You can be on a sugar high at Stonewall and run into an acquaintance who you spill all your current life drama onto without any fear of rejection! That’s the power of sugar!
I don’t know why I didn’t grow into a sugar person before. With moderation it’s fun and good for the brain (probably, won’t be fact checking). They should put sugar in the water supply.
Move over, wine! You give me a headache!
Before you go…
I have some gigs coming up in Sydney I’m really excited for. Supporting local comedy is THE best way to support local comedy.
Microsoft Orifice: my solo show is on April 25, 27 (8pm) & 28 (7pm) at Factory Theatre. It’s loads of fun.
The Morning Show – Up Late!: a new, improvised show spoofing morning TV, May 1 at the Petersham Bowlo.
Whose Start-up Is It Anyway?: company founders and investors attend this improv show where we make fun scenes out of their real start-up ideas. Truly bonkers fun. May 4 at Improv Theatre Sydney.
If you’re a comic in Sydney, you can register your interest for the community open mic I co-run at Improv Theatre Sydney on April 28.
Stay sexy! That’s an order. I’ll be checking next month.